Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁

When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.

I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?

Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee

*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*

Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit

Me: WAIT

Adam and Eve: *Staring*

Me: You gotta wash it first

[on first date]

I’ll have an iced tea, please.

Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?

Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.

My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!

Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?

employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears

I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.

me: *filling up my car with gas*

guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank

me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car

One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.

o shit

Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.

“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa

Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing

*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter

“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”

Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.

First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.

When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.

Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.

Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.

A little too much information.

When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch

3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?

😶

Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.

Hobbies Include:

Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.

It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.

Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.

Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.

Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…

man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot

me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake

My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.