Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
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Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
When you accidentally speak your mind in the company meeting
1 have a mental illness that makes me think that people will change their minds if I present the correct arguments with the appropriate facts and data
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
good morning
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no