Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables

It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??

Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you

I’m not feeling myself today…

…would YOU do it for me?

DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer

BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise

Sounds like a real hoot.

WAITER: questions about the menu?

ME: is it recycled paper?

WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it

ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?

I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

[typing]

Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?

I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!

does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink

Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.

how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”

My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.

I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.

Being a parent:

Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away Anything, Ever. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord ….

Hahahahahahahaah.

Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG

My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.

Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?

my daughter just announced to me her favorite subject is math & I’m totally aghast.

girl, there are not FIVE degrees in English literature between your parents for you to like math. please.

If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation

They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…

I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details

Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams

Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim

Kid: Even Jesus?

Mom: Of course

Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda

Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?

[looking at photo album]

Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy

Son: Why is your hair spiky…

Daughter: …and long in the back?

I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???

I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.

Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours