Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
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This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?