Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
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“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?