Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
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I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
It’s so funny how dracula in marvel is a thing and he is constantly in the background as a looming threat but noone cares but blade
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls
👏WHY👏DO👏WE👏CALL👏TINY👏BAGS👏”BAGGIES”👏BUT👏TINY👏BOXES👏AREN’T👏CALLED👏”BOXIES”👏THAT’S👏SOME👏BULLSHIT👏CALL👏THEM👏”BOXIES”👏IMMEDIATELY👏NO👏JUSTICE👏NO👏PEACE👏AND👏WHATNOT!👏
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.