Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dr: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

dr: so how often is that?

me: *turning to 12* when were you born?

If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.

There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”

If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK

The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.

What I said: No

What I meant: No

What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.

I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.

[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth

My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step

I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.

Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.

we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology

The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.

My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.

Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians

Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?

ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?

unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?

dm celine dion, please.

boss: what is the problem

coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus

me: he peddles falsehoods

just bought 4 pounds of cherries like I’m in some f***ing math problem

Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.

This is now my favourite pie chart ever.

Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.

Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.

You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet

Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell

Me: I need to pee

Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh

I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on

Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?

I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about

All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.

Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?