Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics

If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge

With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.

My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”

Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.

Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’

😬

Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate

Me: I got the buffet 🤭

Kid: I want pancakes.

Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.

Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?

Mario: you’re a dinosaur.

Yoshi: ok.

Mario: you can jump really high.

Yoshi: nice.

Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.

Yoshi: makes sense.

Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.

Yoshi: wait-what?

Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.

I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.

The Most Popular Apps:

*Door Bash, the delivery app for face punches

*NapChat, the messenger app for sleepy time

*Robe Locks, the bathrobe security app

*Air B&E, the apartment sharing app for burglars

*Andy Crush, the app that tells Andrew Garfield if you think he’s cute

I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”

Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline

Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.

Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?

Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper

I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.

[On the way home from school pick-up]

Me: So, what did you do at school today?

9: I burned down everything that exists.

5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?

9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.

[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”

her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin

me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard

[being murdered]

Mailman: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT

being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired

Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.

**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin

As a kid: what tf does that mean?

Turns 40: ohhhhh

sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life

people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground

[Waking up]

Me to me: I see my assassin failed.

Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp

wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”