Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.

if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm

I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.

I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?

Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry

love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face

Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.

My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English

The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.

I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.

Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.

Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.

In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.

Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war

Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.

One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.

Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.

Fantasy? Doctor Strange.

Sleep aid? Eternals.

Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.

GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish

*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]

Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.

THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full

[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT

Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.

Him: It’s a police report.

Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.

Pro Tip:

If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.

MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.

I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.

I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.

Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.

I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…

I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me

A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes

I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.