Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.

The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water

Therefore the Earth is flat.

This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.

Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store

I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.

I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…

There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?

OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??

Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled

Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.

Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.

*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins

My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’

Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?

Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.

I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.

Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?

Me: What if the seller is a murderer?

Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?

If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.

Me: You know what would be really handy? A small bobcat.

Friend: The animal or the bulldozer? Since it’s you talkin’, I have no idea.

Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.

I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.

My parents moved a lot when I was younger.

My sister and I always managed to track them down though.

ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?

if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.

Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so

Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.

Happy for shogun. The show that dared to ask questions like “what if we have good lighting?” and “what if you can see what’s happening? Even at night???”

I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.

Please. My wife. She’s very sick.