Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
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My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*