Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it

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I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”


Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?

Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces


Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..


If any of you ladies want pancakes for breakfast, just come over….you can make them here, because I want some too


RUNNER: this is called “carbo-loading. we eat lots of heavy food

ME: that’s great. love it

RUNNER: then we go for a nice long run

ME: no


My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.


[First day of zombie apocalypse]

Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.

Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-

[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?


GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me