I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
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Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
If any of you ladies want pancakes for breakfast, just come over….you can make them here, because I want some too
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
We get it, painters: you love naked women and bowls of fruit.
RUNNER: this is called “carbo-loading. we eat lots of heavy food
ME: that’s great. love it
RUNNER: then we go for a nice long run
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me