Can I donate fat instead of blood?
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Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
me irl
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
your honor my client chooses dare
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?