Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online

uber driver: oh cool me too

fly splatting on windscreen: same

Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.

If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl

I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.

ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab

First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.

Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.

God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.

Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?

Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene

Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.

Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.

Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.

I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.

me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines

me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff

An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.

My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.

I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.

😆this is so true

Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”

“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”

Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”

I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker

*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*

An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.

My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.

Jesus, take the wheel!

*steering wheel disappears*

*car careens into tree*

[Starts jogging]
Body: No.

The plot thickens.

Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.

– at a ramen restaurant –

Me: slurp

Me: sluuurp

Me: slur-

Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet

Me: im practicing leave me alone

Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess