@Tmoney68

“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….

“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….

- @Tmoney68

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@GuyEndoreKaiser

Do you have any motivational books?

Yeah, they’re in the back.

(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?

@markedly

One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”

@MsSugar_Kisses

If she’s freaking out, kiss her forehead, hug her & call her beautiful.. If she growls, throw chocolate at her from a safe place

@KalvinMacleod

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*

@JessiCanadian

Every now and then you meet someone you wish you could unhinge your jaw for. *waiting patiently*

@TheAlexNevil

Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.

Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?

@TheAlexNevil

Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct

Occam’s toothbrush: show off

@Serrels

Women’s speed climbing record was smashed. Under 7 seconds. Inhuman.

@paulrobalino

Girl, is your dad Louis Vuitton? Because you have such big bags under your eyes. Wait am I doing this right