“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
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A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
i was baptized in a car wash
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.