Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.

I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in

Go to drunk, you’re bed.

For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved

[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]

scientist 1: well?

scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything

s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please

i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword

[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok

Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.

I was just at my neighbors house with my kids and a bunch of other neighbor kids and the host asked a 3yo if she could get her anything and the girl goes “could you bake a pie?”

My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.

getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.

genie: your first wish?

me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

genie:

me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

genie:

me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there

I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.

Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.

I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.

There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.

I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.

Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.

I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.

a house without a chimney should be called a nouse

Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.

Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.

Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.

Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.

[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]

Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!

Friend: wyd

Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?

Me: Can I get you a drink?

Her: I don’t know. Can you?

Me: *checking wallet* No.

He was only called Mr Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.