Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]

ME: Excuse me, what year is it?

MAN: It’s 830.

ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?

Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.

the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”

I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body

doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?

me: yes

doctor: and how about this?

me: yes

doctor: and what about this?

me: please stop kissing my mom

Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?

Dogs get it.

Next time, join in.

A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces

I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.

Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?

Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.

The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture

Do you sell bloodpants?

“Nope”

Shitpants?

“Nope”

Droolpants?

“Nope”

Sweatpants?

“Right this way…”

As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.

[heaven]

ME: so about those footprints…

GOD: footprints?

ME: from when you carried me

GOD: wasn’t me

ME: well then who—

GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit

virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤

coronavirus: i got this

[later]

virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?

coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel

I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.

“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter

I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”

*elbows date in ribs*

“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”

where it says “within reason?”

“that’s because of me”

On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.

you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know

That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item

[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.

Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*

Victim: why are you doing this?

Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol

“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous

“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children

5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!

*Crawls into bed exhausted

Bladder: knock knock

Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.

Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters

6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes