Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
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[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
How tf did it end up there?
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.