Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
You Might Also Like
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
May have had one breakfast too many
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap