Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.

[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.

This 4th of July, please remember…

“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel

My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”

A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.

I felt a fool.

Everyone else was wearing clothes.

Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!

Hostage 1: No!

Hostage 2: Please! No!

Me: So…who gets to be the front?

[sneeze one]

Bless you

[sneeze two]

Bless you

[sneeze three]

You are under arrest

If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley

Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese

Girlfriend: Yes probably more

If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.

Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!

Losers.

Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?

GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”

GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”

Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes

Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.

The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes

[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]

*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*

I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.

Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”

Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.

Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?

Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!

“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.

“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon

I hope they boil the right one.

What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?

Amateur

A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.

I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur

Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn