Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
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Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Every house has this drawer
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
But is it really??
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Have a lovely day 😊
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.