Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
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the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”
And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
These apps are getting out of control.
There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET