Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
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***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
checking my bank account to see how ethical i want to be with my egg purchase
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
My birthstone is kidney
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
I’m not at all competitive [secretly races some woman on the self-checkout next to me so I finish first]
#Thanos #MondayMood
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”