“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
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Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Attention: will the owner of a small blue planet with tectonic plates please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”
Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.