“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
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Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏
*I mean there’s construction on our street
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Hurricane heading this way guys, may lose power & cell service for awhile, so if I should happen to disappear, don’t buy the media’s bullshit, I was not abducted by aliens or taken on a cross country crime spree by some Hooter’s Waitresses… I don’t have that kinda luck.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.