Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home

Thanks for the swallow!

-bird collectors (you perv!!!)

Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣

Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do

Are you a cat person or a person person?

My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.

Interviewer: why do u want to work here

me: revenge

All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname

Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.

I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role

Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house

Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons

Me: What about the housekeeper

Gma: Already talked to her

Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair

Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy

When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.

By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.

[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.

Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.

“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”

Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.

Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this

I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…

There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.

August 8

That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years

Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child

*hops in time machine*

him: where ya going?

me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW

I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.

It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb

if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad

You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.

Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”

Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*