“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
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Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.