Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Camping?
No thank you.

If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.

So much for trying to
be Friends.

During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse

She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones

sin harder.

Boeing: we fixed all the problems

Passengers: is that Flex Seal?

Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.

Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours

Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.

50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud

“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”

“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

“What’s the problem?”

“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”

“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”

“Again.”

“Dammit.”

GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.

Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.

If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.

Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-

Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!

You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?

Hahahaa WHY!!??

I dated a woman once.

Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.

My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth

HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.

ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.

2: Mommy!!

Me: Yes?

2: NOOOOOOOOO!

son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn

me: what are you going to be when you grow up?

5: beautiful.

Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u

Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit

[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.

S O O N

“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”

“Gun”

“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”

ME: I wasn’t invited to the party

FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic

ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone

What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?

Wishful thinking. Obviously

When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.