Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600

My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.

Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?

Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.

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Somewhere in an alternate universe

I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…

sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know

I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.

My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.

– My neighbor

[ the manger ]

me: so what’s his name

mary: jesus christ

me: hey watch your language around the baby

you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”

Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About

I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.

You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.

Hey people – learn to spell!!!

I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.

If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.

the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear

Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.

ME: hmm…tastes like chicken

MORTICIAN: get out

Him: so you like bad boys?

Me: of course not

Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-

Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do

Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.

Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”

“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”

“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”

they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them

I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry

*NEW*

For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.

PUNderwear ®

Comfort is No Laughing Matter™

no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too

I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard

Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.

Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.

My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.

I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.

I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.