Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars

The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!

I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.

i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit

*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?

Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.

Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there

I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.

This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.

Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.

Dude t-rex: 😑

only kind of dinner drama i approve of

Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?

*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*

Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?

Me: I found the place

Owner: So?

Me: Finders keepers

Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn

Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?

A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above

A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.

bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction

me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff

wife: where’s the baby

Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.

Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.

How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.

Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…

I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.

You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet

When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.

When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace

My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.

Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME

[in hell journal day 211]

I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me

Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.

[twirls in a dress made of knives]

Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.

Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.