Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[before tattoos were invented]

ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day

idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend… especially the mom that many years ago was leaving a very busy playground and her kid yelled to his brother “hurry up! Mom wants too poop pretty bad!”

Look, all I’m saying is that it would be far more impressive to see someone turn lemonade into lemons

Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!

[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this

health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water

snowman exchange student: (raises hand)

That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.

“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?

If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?

Yoga pants.

Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.

Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.

Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh

COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?

Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.

Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.

Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?

8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*

Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.

When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time

My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.

Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.

I cannot stop laughing at this

ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager

if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?

If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.

A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!

If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too

I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.

My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.

So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems

Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want