Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.

If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.

CSI: North Pole

Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.

Chief: Did you find hoof prints?

Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.

Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*

Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.

Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me

My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.

When life hands you women, make women laid.

Me:

JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay

I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast

We are running low on groceries, so the bread on today’s sandwiches is Eggo and the meat is also Eggo.

If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.

34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time

I refuse to be controlled by a calendar so happy birthday to me today

*gets in taxi*

Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.

Cabbie: Where to?

Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.

But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡

I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…

“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.

Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?

Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few

America: Japanese ads are extremely weird

Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*

Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.

Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: There is snow in my paw and now you must carry me.

If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text

“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*

[me as a GPS]

My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.

Hope he finds a ride home.

Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.

*walks into the funeral home*

*climbs into a coffin*

I’m ready when you are

I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day

How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: *is asleep

Netflix: why are you like this