“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
You Might Also Like
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
