“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
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Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase