Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you

I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks

Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.

I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second

I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.

Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.

I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.

12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.

My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.

Another year of doing the same thing next to a slightly different number, nice call

Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.

Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.

Narrator: There was no narrator.

Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.

I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.

If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.

Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…

him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?

John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense

Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts

I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.

me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*

her: don’t bite my lip

“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”

-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.

I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.

No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.

Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.

My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro

Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2

Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2

gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors

On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.