“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
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My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
stand with me against insufficient seating
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
My middle-schooler who happens to be at Comedy Camp this week just caught me using my fingers to calculate the month then ran to write it down so his final showcase should be sufficiently horrifying.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
When the stylist spins you back around
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
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one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.