Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[End of day 1, building Rome]

BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss

BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks

Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns

The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”

Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open

I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/

I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.

As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life

[Looking out the window]

Me: I don’t understand this show.

Are you Eminem?

Let’s find out…

I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.

Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?

cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume

me: is there a law against it?

cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession

Facebook-

You: Going to a concert tonight!

Friend: Sweet, what concert?

Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO

I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children

I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.

Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.

mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE

me: My best friend will protect me

mugger: Haha, right-

[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]

A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.

There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”

so i’m at the stock market right

The Book. The Movie.

Bae: Come over

Me: Do you have food??

Bae: My parents aren’t home

Me: Are they coming back with food??

Please enter new password

Me: Candy123

Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password

We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$u

Me: Candy123!

I’m the Usain Bolt of running late

Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”

If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.

Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!

I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.

In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.

I would never let MY child act like that.

-things my friends without kids say.