Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why I hate technology:

Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.

“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”

if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends

Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life

I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.

When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”

When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”

the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.

Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

Lao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT

Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.

Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.

Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.

– an early draft

6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker

Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb

God: you have terrible eyesight.

Bat: oh no.

God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.

Bat: sweet!

God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.

Bat:

God:

Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.

my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house

me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something

BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?

ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses

if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years

No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.

People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk

I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced

I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.

THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.

My mom at 25: Married, one kid

Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking

I’ve watched this 17,467 times

Good morning ☺️

HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes

DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?

HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?

Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope

Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.

Visiting the cinema back in the day and asked to see “12 Monkeys”. The person serving me asked “How many?”, to which I genuinely replied with some confusion “12?”. Still makes me laugh and cringe in equal measure.

i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit