“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
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A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Attacked by a mop.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails