“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
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One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
The internet is magic sometimes.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
S M O L
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Good dog. ❤️
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Bless you
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!