“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
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Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Y’all ready for this
