Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: when I was your age we had nine planets

6: what happened? We only have 8 now.

Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.

6: 😳

Hubby: um honey…

Me: what? It’s better than the truth!

At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it

bartender: the usual?

me: you know it

bartender: [throws me thru window]

Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep

The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now

Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly

Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it

I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.

restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then

Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice

Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.

[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]

Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that

I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.

Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.

“Man, what’s eating you today?

*looks down*

I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!

MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked

You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.

I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.

Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.

I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.

I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…

All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.

~inspirational tweet

How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.

I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat

My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.

You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”

ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.

THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.

If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.

Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?

My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…

*stranded on a dessert island*
Day 1: This is paradise!
Day 2: I have eaten far too much chocolate cake.

me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room

cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you

I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.