“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
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“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Everyone is always saying “take it on the chin” as a metaphor for enduring misfortune courageously until they take it on the chin & realize that’s the human knockout button.
How did they get kids to pose for oil paintings mine won’t sit still for 4 seconds for a family photo
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]
Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´･ω･)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet