“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
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My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs
Them: I think she already named them.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.