Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out

Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.

i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice

[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands

[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t

Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.

cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there

I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never

My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.

I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?

just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss

The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?

*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*

Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it

When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.

It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”

Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.

Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.

Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life

Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.

If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.

Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?

Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck

My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing

*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives

if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl

You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.

ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.

HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?

ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*

If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.

*points to Spanx*