“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
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*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
WIFE: So what did you do today?
ME: I wrote a story about a car that has a portrait of itself at home which absorbs any damage or wear and tear. Calling it the Picture Of Delorean Gray.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Angry when I have to prove I’m not a robot and angry at those who built the robots for whom I am held accountable for.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?