Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it

eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft

My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.

It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…

friend: your name badge is on upside down

I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.

Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.

I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.

There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.

At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.

Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.

Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷‍♀️😂

[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting

It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.

Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.

the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions

Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack

When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.

My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.

Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*

Old man standing next to me: Ouch!

Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.

If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.

I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.

“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf

Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???

My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.

Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.

Me: My socks are off, though.

Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.

Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.

Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*

thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.

Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG

*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe

I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.

Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok

me: *quarantines self*

*runs out of wine*

me: *unquarantines self*