“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
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[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
The news
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
[giving cops my statement after my house was robbed by the breakdancing burglar] no music but he was still hittin that shit
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.