Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.

waiter: what would you like for breakfast?

me: toast

waiter: that’s weird but ok

[taps glass with fork]

waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends

I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.

BARTENDER: how do you take it?

ME: personally

My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.

why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf

I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.

My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.

always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?

I love cheese!

Cheese: I have a boyfriend

I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.

I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents

Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From

Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?

Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me

2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.

Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*

me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?

him: AI?

me: AI

him: oh

Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.

Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub

You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.

Her: “were you thinking about me?”
Me: “of course”
My brain: *I don’t think i’ve ever pronounced “croissant” the same way twice, in my life

waiter : here’s your bread for the table

table : nom nom nom delicious

Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere

ME: make every guy afraid of me

GENIE: as u wish

ME: (a tampon): son of a

[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]

Bruce: Viagra!

Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-

Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!

Dr: Ok

*Bruce Dies…Hard*

*cooking dinner*

Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.

DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips

ME: why?

DAUGHTER:

ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it

I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.

Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.

Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.

I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.