Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: mic is short for microphone

My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!

Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house

Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.

Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.

Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business

I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing

Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.

Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??

The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.

[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”

I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”

Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard

-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night

I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.

[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]

COACH: you idiots *melts*

*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*

What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…

Edward norton: what’s your power

Me: I recast avenger characters

Mark ruffalo: wait wut

Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”

[Arby’s]

Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all

Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when

I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.

Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?

Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –

Son: Mom!

me: wow the stars are beautiful

gf: omg babe they really are

me: u know who else is beautiful?

gf: *blushes* who? :3

me: Harambe

*Comments on Facebook picture*

“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”

Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.

Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.

One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated

I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!

As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”

*after sex*

Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”