. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
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I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
When you’re here for the treats.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?