. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
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*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
LOL
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
😂🤣😂🤣
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.