Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.

Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.

call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much

“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”

Getting a good nights sleep

“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.

some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures

Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous

IKEA Manager: Sir.

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane

OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?

Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.

i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad

Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.

Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”

Mushroom: what the heck am I?

God: you’re a mushroom

Mushroom: is-is that good?

God: yes, you have a very important job to do

Mushroom: like what?

God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know

her: wanna go upstairs

me: yes

her: do u have protection

me: [nervously] why what’s up there

I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.

I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.

[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenade

SARGE: mine

ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now

Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!

My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.

No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.

I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.

Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”

I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”

“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot

“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wife

Same

6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.

i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol

“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.

*embarrassing teenagers is easy.