Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.

I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!

She laughed. I laughed.

Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study

I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate

Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.

Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming

Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.

My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”

Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”

Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?

My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.

Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi

Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit

Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon

9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!

Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?

9: It matters for two minutes.

If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.

thanksgiving in nutshell

[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.

You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body

He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him

FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious

me: so I just check out women all day?

grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that

do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!

Easy enough.

Did you know?

Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.

[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]

I think salmon have the right idea.

I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.

I’m out of butter but I’ve got some whole milk, a jar and a stick, so I’m about to sit down and get things done.

my one true gender

I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.

I find it lightens the mood.

Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…

Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.

I ate it.

Then looked for more.

Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*

GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II

ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya

[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]

Me: Can we talk about salary?

Boss: Not if you want to keep your job