Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores

They did not miss in the small print

I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.

My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice

Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it

I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!

“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”

Anxiety.

You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.

“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on

If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.

Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…

A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you

she would like to bark at the manager, please.

The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.

[me giving a TED Talk]

*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*

9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”

Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.

[Hospital Parking Lot]

Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.

Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.

“Your former crush likes this thing”

“Your former crush likes this thing”

“Your former crush likes this thing”

-Facebook

professor x: what’s your power

me: time travel and a full head of hair lol

professor x: get out

[5 seconds later]

professor x: what’s your power

me, wearing a hat: time travel

My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails

[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”

U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH

“No, Frank, at the stake”

[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.

{emceeing banquet}

Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*

*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice

What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists

I’ll have enough candy left for trick or treaters tonight… if there are only 8 of them.

And they come in the next 15 minutes.

Him: hey see you around

Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead

Bartender: what’ll it be?

Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet

Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”

DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!

ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly

[later]

ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions