Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead

Dolphin: *deep breath*

My 1st grader is home sick today and this morning I caught him trying to cough directly onto his older brother.

I asked why he did that and he said it’s because he loves him and thinks he deserves a day off of school too.

Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr

Am I a bad navigator? Well off course

Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.

“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it

Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.

Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.

Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed

This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭

ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books

The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.

energy cannot be created nor destroyed

*turns on broadcast TV*

Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?

*sees Activia ad*

*sees Metamucil ad*

*sees Cialis ad*

I think I have the answer.

Batman-

See, kids?

Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.

If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.

I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.

My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”

Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight

My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?

THIS HEADLINE

Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist

HR: Know why we called you down?

Me: Hmm…my trench coat?

HR: Try again.

Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?

Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.

I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”

It’s 11:15 pm.

Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.

i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police

Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me

PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.

these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have

Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25

TOTAL: $76.42

There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.