“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
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Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!