Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year

All of these stories about missing campers.

Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.

me at a party:

*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
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*go back once more*

I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.

I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?

*turns off comments*

A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.

*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*

Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?

Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”

Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *

*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*

Boating season is upon us.

What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?

“I want to grow mold with you.”

*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*

*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*

I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.

One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”

‘Was that really necessary?’

~slapped newborns

Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.

INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?

ME: No I haven’t

Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”

Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.

Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*

My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.

Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”

Me: “You’ll be back.”

Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams

What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up

BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home

ME: *slips him some money*

BOUNCER: What’s this?

ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you

I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.

Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws

Imagine me riding a bike.

Wrong.

There’s no seat.