Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
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[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”
So I went in and applied for the job.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.
She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.