My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
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Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
This could be us… but you playing
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Have a lovely day 😊
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.