“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
