“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
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Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
We’ve all been there
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.