@UncleDuke1969

“Can I help you?”

“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”

“So, you’re here about the job?”

“Most indubitably.”

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@Seinfeld2000

right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson

@mom_mouth

Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.

@suziqkelley

I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.

@WouldbeAllen

JACOB MARLEY: 3 ghosts will visit you!
ME: do u count?
JM: what
ME: you’re a ghost. Do u count?
JM: dude this the kinda shit they don’t like

@jarry

[commercial for twitter]

hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry

@noog

Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.

@capnwatsisname

Me: what’s the deal with airplane food

Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise

@Kirangandhi

My english teacher was a fan of CAPITAL punishment. She despised small letters