Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

*Watching TV*

Hmmm, I should read more

*Turns on subtitles*

John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed

guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here

1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*

My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.

Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.

Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.

You heard.

Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible

big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing

financial freedom is alive and well

Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market

Realtor: ok, where is it?

Little Old Lady: um, right here

Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe

Little Old Lady: it’s my home

Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?

Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one

Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.

[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”

I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.

God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.

Someone wrote that today is like waiting for the results of a biopsy, except half your family hopes it’s cancer.

Hurricane. It’s fine.

Broken foot. Still fine.

Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.

Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.

Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire

Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?

Firefighter: No

Wife *slides him $20* what about now

Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.

A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away

why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway

*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*

[CPR dummy coming home from work]

WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?

DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job

therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?

me: im not sure

therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?

me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?

therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist

My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?

The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.

My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate