Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *in bed with dogs*

*car drives down street*

Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?

The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.

Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.

I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question

Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok

it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times

Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”

They didn’t like me very much.

I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.

Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day

Do you have any motivational books?

Yeah, they’re in the back.

(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?

Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life

Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing

I deal with my problems in the order they were received.

Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.

Daughter: what does biography mean?

Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.

[later at movie night]

Wife: let’s watch Cars.

Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.

DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow

T-REX: oh great

[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what

I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.

Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.

Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.

Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..

You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.

Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.

my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”

[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]

Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!

14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.

The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.

How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra

one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason

Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”

The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.

People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out

2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth

I have the body of a 30yr old

Sofa.