“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
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Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.