“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
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50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Doormats are a gateway rug.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.