“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
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computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
This dude got his own movie?
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
the duality of man
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.