“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
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There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.
Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Does your wife know you’re single?
no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.