“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
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Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.