Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,

WE HATE YOU!

Sincerely,

Everyone born in December.

My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.

I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round

Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume

Me: Street magic

[harry potter at work]

Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh

Harry: a thestral, yes

Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate

Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life

Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner

Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar

Passport photographer: No

I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.

[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier

I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future

it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once

Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂

There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.

All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.

mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing

first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it

Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.

whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave

I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?

Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.

My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old

I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.

I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky

Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves

If you’re thinking of having kids, please know that my 8 year old is currently sobbing because my 5 year old won’t let him talk to his pet balloon.

Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.

Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.

Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.

Wife: It’s fine

*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way

[first date]

HER: i’m really into astronomy

ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say

Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.

Calls for kids: Nobody responds.

Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.