can i punch you in the face but like romantically?
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me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Meow
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
I use a wheelchair. I carry a copy of a Stephen King book about a murderous clown. I just roll with IT.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
