Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Netflix: Watch it again

Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days

Netflix: Watch it again

Me: ok

My first son he is wonderful

Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?

Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?

Nothing this big stays secret.

Just Google them.

There’s probably a torrent somewhere.

“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said

“Engage with the wider community”, they said

“You have the right to remain silent”, they said

Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]

Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.

[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard

This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football

“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers

[Driving by a massive pile up]

SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.

ME: It’s a collidascope.

SON:

WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.

[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your house

me: I’m at the supermarket

murderer: ok

me: I’ll be there in 10

angel: whatcha making?

god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger

My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.

ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.

I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.

KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.

My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.

2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?

Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?

Me: My bladder mostly.

I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”

what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow

I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow

[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”

But does my hair look good?

you are so beautiful without makeup.

-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.

Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash

*tucks napkin into my shirt*

This meal could get messy.

[Doctors appointment]

Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*