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if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Robots are now performing major surgeries, which means my dream of having the Fox NFL robot give me a prostate exam is closer than ever.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed