“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
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Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?