Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it

ME: Is this the “new normal”?

SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store

I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.

Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?

Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.

I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.

Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on

[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?

“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*

“It was me. I shit on the rug”

i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig

was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili

[police raid at balloon store]

Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”

Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”

How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it

No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.

they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane

I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.

friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.

{Working as a bouncer}

ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*

Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.

Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”

the three branches of government

My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”

THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.

“I’m taking a social media break.”

– People who will be back in 7 minutes.

I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.

That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.

To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.

Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!

My wife: Yeah, like his dad

Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*

Me: you’ll be in school until 2035

My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number

Me: maybe even longer

Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?