Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Already got one

one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist

Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%

I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom!

Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.

Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…

Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.

my dog when i have a friend over

The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.

(making small talk with a couple) so have you guys ever cheated on each other?

waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?

me: no no I’ve eaten food before

ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?

Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again

Me: What’s your favorite fruit?

Son #2: Tacos.

Me: No, I said fruit.

S2: You have my answer.

My cold is worse than yours because it’s happening to me.

Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.

journal

Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?

Are aliens their primary customers?

*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby

Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?

I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them

Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.

People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.

Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.

Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home

Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.

Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.

Kids: LOL

Dog: LOL

Brain: LOL

Bladder: LOL

Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!

Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.